tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332858490828689890.post8235084900719140551..comments2023-11-02T05:36:01.108-05:00Comments on Angelina Rain: And So It StartsAngelina Rainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16953868243120764347noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332858490828689890.post-25008237200839564492010-09-05T11:30:48.959-05:002010-09-05T11:30:48.959-05:00Hi Lia, I wanted to let you know that I awarded yo...Hi Lia, I wanted to let you know that I awarded you the One Lovely Blog award. If you accept, you can pick it up here...<br />http://bookinitalong.blogspot.com/p/awards.html<br /><br />Have a beautiful Sunday! I hope the editing/writing is moving along for you.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10305505173242789250noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332858490828689890.post-6739693447439993492010-08-13T10:25:21.171-05:002010-08-13T10:25:21.171-05:00Thank you so much for your comments ladies. I’m so...Thank you so much for your comments ladies. I’m sorry I forgot to mention the genre of the book (I thought I did. Oops.) It’s a contemporary romance. Also, you all had interesting points about the opening paragraph. I hated the original one I wrote, and the re-write was an improvement but I still didn’t like it. That’s why I put it out there to see if anyone could pin-point what’s wrong with it. I’m going to re-write that from scratch. Thanks so much for your input ladies.Angelina Rainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16953868243120764347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332858490828689890.post-58759356391811074482010-08-13T08:54:33.374-05:002010-08-13T08:54:33.374-05:00Hi Lia,
I like that you begin the opening with te...Hi Lia,<br /><br />I like that you begin the opening with tension. <br /><br />Final beat, though, sounds like she's dying? Not sure if that's your intent. I like Nathaniel or Nate better than Nathan. Has a stronger connotation, IMO.<br /><br />Keep going! :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332858490828689890.post-49816266225462467152010-08-12T15:07:18.492-05:002010-08-12T15:07:18.492-05:00Claudia is right about genre. The last beat of the...Claudia is right about genre. The last beat of the heart sounds clinical rather than literary.<br /><br />Also, I think you meant it fell to her 'heels', not heals. since beat is the last noun, you are saying the beat fell to her heels. You might want to forego this first sentence.<br /><br />One more thought. This paragraph is all exposition 'introducing' the characters. Most hooks (there are no absolutes) should grab attention with a moment that incites the coming action. <br /><br />Ask yourself what is so important about this man. Where is the conflict? If this woman hasn't seen him in so many years, what startles her so much now?<br /><br />Imagine yourself as the heroine. You run into a guy you haven't seen in ages. Are you going to go gaga about his looks, or are you going to wonder where he's been? Most people pick up on what is 'different' about the person they knew, not what is the same.<br /><br />If it's a chance encounter, amp up the tension by including something that grabs the reader. Jogging isn't enough. Her seeing someone from her past isn't enough. Show us what's at stake. <br /><br />PS I like Nathan Hill, or maybe Nate Hill. <br /><br />Thrillson sounds a little ott.<br /><br />Hope some of this helps.Maria Zanninihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01604862636922299273noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332858490828689890.post-65366307880804821032010-08-12T11:34:21.363-05:002010-08-12T11:34:21.363-05:00Hi Lia,
Well, as much as I want to give you a thor...Hi Lia,<br />Well, as much as I want to give you a thorough feedback here, I can't because I don't know the genre of your book. Believe me, it does make a difference knowing the genre. Is this the opening paragraph of the book? If it is, be careful with "final beat", it cannot be final if she's still alive. I thought she was on her deathbed, wounded, or about to commit suicide. But after reading the next sentence, I realized you meant to say her stomach turned when she saw this man again. Did I get it right? It's difficult to say just from this short paragraph. I hope this helps. I wish I could give you a more thorough feedback.<br />Keep up the editing energy!<br />P.S. If you need help, just holler ;)Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16217417326857522438noreply@blogger.com