Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Marriage and Divorce

Today, twenty-six years ago, my parents got married. Two weeks ago my mother filed for divorce. Honestly, I don’t know how she lasted so long being married to my father. I love my parents but my dad is an a**hole sometimes.

When I was a child, I always knew that this day would come, and I had many years to prepare for it. Surely it wouldn’t affect me. It shouldn’t affect me as I myself am now married and living in a house of my own. It’s not like their divorce would mean having my father move out or having to move and change schools as I’m already done with that part of my life. However, it does affect me. It didn’t truly bother me until today. I’ve been keeping myself busy so I wouldn’t have to think about it, but looking at the calendar and seeing the date literally brought tears to my eyes. Today is their 26th wedding anniversary. For many people that’s forever. How can you call it quits after forever?

I was used to the way things were. I liked going over to my parents’ house and hearing my mother complain; “I just cleaned the kitchen and he already made a mess of it.” “Bill, put your shoes away.” “Bill, don’t smoke inside the house.” I got used to my dad going to bed at nine, even on New Years Eve and my mother complaining that they never went out, not even on holidays. In the twenty-six years they’ve been married, they’ve never had a date with just the two of them going out. I can understand why my mother called it quits. What I don’t understand is why now? Why with the holiday’s upon us, would she rather be alone then with the people she spend a quarter century with?

My whole life I’ve spent the holiday’s with my parents. Even after I got married, we made a tradition of spending Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with my husband’s. Now my mother will be spending both days with a few single friends, and my dad with my grandma and uncle. Am I selfish for wanting my family back together for the holidays?

I know my parents could work it out, if only my dad could learn that his routine (work, home, bed, every single day) is dragging my mother down. And if my mom could figure out that her constant nagging and complaining isn’t healthy for a marriage either.

I wish I could turn back time and relive the Christmas’s of the past. I had a lifetime to prepare for this and still I find myself heartbroken. It’s strange not calling my father to remind him of what today is. I always thought that divorce only affects the couple and their non-adult children. Boy, was I wrong.


  1. That is so sad. But I think it says something about how hard life has become for your mother that she'd rather be alone that spend another holiday with your father.

    Be supportive when you can. Whether they've share their struggles with you or not, they're hurting and they want to know their daughter still loves them if nothing else.

    My parents divorced after being married 40 years. I felt sorry for them. It's far more painful for them than it was for us (their kids). I imagine it would be the same for your parents too.

  2. Maria – Wow, 40 years. It amazes me how people can be together for so long and then just end it.

  3. I'm sorry you're having to go through this! My parents got divorced after 27 years together. I instigated it. Well, my father with all of his cheating and throwing it in my mother's face was really the one to lay the blame on. I just pushed my mom to leave him. And pushed and pushed until she did. It was odd not having the family Christmas be the same, but it has been so amazing watching my mother THRIVE! She is happy for the first time in her entire adult life. She has new friends, a social life. My father? Stuck in a new relationship but recreating the old one. Based on my experience with my parents, I am thrilled for your mom! But I know how you feel. I was there. Even wanting my mother to get out so that she could find the true happiness she deserved, it was scary to think of them apart after 27 years. You get used to the dysfunction. You even get comfortable with it. It takes courage to step away from something you've been in for that length of time. I know it might be hard, but try not to take sides and just love them through this. There will be anxiety for both of them as they start forward from here. You can be the one constant in their currently changing world!

  4. you poor thing am of the couples counselling persuasion, but I understand this will be a hard time for your family, hang in there and try to be there for both of them as much as possible without letting them drag you into the negatives.
    You did not make them get together, dont 4get it.

  5. So sorry to hear this. Hang in there, girlfriend. Maybe, with time, everyone will be happier.