Based on the title, I know what you guys are thinking. It's something along the lines of: Oh no, are you okay? Did they break down the door or use a window? Were they caught?Truth is the thief did not only walk in through the door, but she was invited inside. And the thief has been steeling from me for almost three years now. First it was petty stuff like pens, pencils, scissors, tape, highlighters, ect. Then it escalated to my things in particular like nail polishes, eye liners, lipsticks, nail polish remover, hairbrush, ect.
It wouldn't be such a big deal. It's just makeup that disappeared. But, when the thief is my 11 year old stepdaughter, that's where the problems arise.
My husband is convinced that if he does nothing about that she will just grow out of it. Yeah right! I know people who have sticky fingers and none of them have grown out of it! They eventually go to jail because they don't grow out of it. My husband, however, refuses to see the truth.
It's just my things that get stolen, so according to my husband it's not her whose the problem but me. Maybe I loose my things or misplace them. Every time something of mine disappears he snaps on me calling me every name in the book, and threatens me with physical harm. Then, the things that disappeared end up being found in my stepdaughter's possession.
About a month ago, my husband's ex-wife brought over some makeup that she found at her house and knew for a fact it wasn't hers. Some of it was mine. Most of it wasn't. News Flash to the husband! It's not just me she's steeling from anymore. If she's 11 and already has stolen so much, can you imagine her at 21? One of my husband's friends is convinced that she will end up in juvie if he doesn't do anything about it.
A few weeks ago, my stepdaughter was caught with a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. She cuffed herself to a chair. When asked where she got them from, she said I gave it to her. Yeah right! I don't have any handcuffs. My husband doesn't get into bondage for one thing! Two, why would I give it to her?
A few days before she was found with the handcuffs, she was hanging out at one of her friend's house. A few days after the incident, one of my husband's friends (the father of the girl my stepdaughter was hanging out with) confessed to not being able to find his pair of handcuffs, which just so happened to match the description of the ones my stepdaughter was found with.
My husband still believes that it wasn't her who stole the handcuffs. Yet, when I told him to watch out because she's not growing out of the behavior, he snapped off on me, calling me every name in the book, threatening me with bodily harm.
Sometimes, after he screams his head off at me, he will then yell at her for doing stupid things like this. He will tell her its wrong and so on so forth. She will always give him a challanging "F You, Dad" look. I really think she might be a sociopath because she never shows remorse for anything she's done. And for an 11 year old, she lies like a pro. (One time, I caught her applying my makeup which had disappeared and confronted her about it, and she still denied that she took it, even when it was in her hands.) However, soon after he yells at her and gets no response from her, he then tells her how sorry he is for yelling at her, and that he loves her so much. He reminds her that where he's concerned that she can do no wrong.
Now this weekend, I noticed I have two missing credit cards and two missing gift cards. Out of all the credit cards that I have, the stolen ones belong to a popular beauty shop and an overpriced fashion store.
As soon as I told my husband that I have some missing cards, he snapped off on me. I shouldn't even bother accusing his daughter of taking them. She wouldn't take them. Even when the logical proof is there that 1, the pretty cards were taken and not the useful ones. 2, neither one of them has been used (at first I thought one was used but it turned out to be a glitch in the computer). I think she probably took them to play with them and then misplaced them somewhere.
After my husband bit off my head and called me every name in the book (death threats followed too), he did admit that it's very possible that his daughter took it given that she's been steeling from me for three years now. Still, he made it clear that I shouldn't ever accuse her of it. She will grow out of it. She is just like any other kid and all kids are like that.
So according to my husband's ex wife, the kid's doctor has advised the mother to take her daughter to a behavioural specialist. The school has advised her to take the kid to a shrink. Is that something all parents are advised to do for their kids? I think not!
This past weekend, I stayed at my mother's because I didn't want to deal with him and his kid. When I came home last night, he and I slept in different rooms. It's the beginning of the end, it seems.
I told him that if he's not willing to do something about his anger, and taking it out on me when his daughter should be the one being yelled at, then I don't see myself staying in this marriage much longer. I guess we'll see what happens and if he even attempts to change.
So there's a thief coming to my house almost on a daily basis now that her mother lives a few blocks from us. She has stolen random things, my beauty products, other people's sex toys (aka, fuzzy handcuffs), and possibly my cards. The biggest thing she's stolen from me is my husband, the man who refuses to be a parent and discipline her for this behaviour and instead takes his anger out on me.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? And have you ever heard of a case where a child thief grew out of it?
I don't normally offer advice, but since you asked...Move Out.
ReplyDeleteDad won't admit to daughter's stealing because it's a reflection on him. Until he's willing to face the truth, you're not safe there.
Move out. Stay away. And let him reach his own conclusions. It might be best for a good male friend to tell him what he doesn't want to hear. If he hears it from you or his ex, he'll only blame the two of you.
PS Hope you canceled those cards.
Good luck.
I have a low level of tolerance for self-imposed ignorance and delusions...so I must admit that you've dealt with the issue for a longer time than I would or could have.
ReplyDeleteAs a parent myself, I wish my daughter could do no wrong, but I am aware that she is capable of anything if I don't hold her accountable to her behavior.
Your situation is a double-edged sword. One edge slices you with theft that isn't going away b/c dad threatens you with bodily harm for trying to hold her accountable. The other edge slices at any semblance of authority you can hold with his name calling and threats. Whichever way the blade swings, your marriage, your self-esteem, emotional and spiritual health and holistic well being are being attacked with no end in sight.
I agree with Maria. Get out.
As a note, I've known quite a few moms who've resisted the temptation to bad mouth their exes to their children. In due time, the children learned the sordid truth on their own. The same may be needed of dad...only he may not get the luxury of facing this truth until he goes to the security office of the mall to pick up his child because she's caught shoplifting.
Wow. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, and it sounds like you've been super patient with it all. I'm not cool with your husband yelling at you -- and death threats? Um, NO. NOT COOL.
ReplyDeleteI think staying away for now and getting some distance is the best bet. Hugs.
She's not growing out of it - it's actually escalating. She's getting the validation and attention she wants because your husband is playing right into her hands. You can't win the battle over her. If I were you, I would move out and let him decide - not between you and her, but whether he wants to be a parent or not. I have no respect for people who bring children into this world and then don't parent. The rest of society is stuck with the consequences.
ReplyDeleteName calling is an absolute no-no in any relationship. Successful couples have respect for each other and name calling is not respectful. It is a sign that you don't respect the other person. Where there is no respect, the love dies.
You are a beautiful, talented young woman with a whole life ahead of you. You don't need or deserve this. Please be very careful.
Thank you all for such great advice. I've wanted to leave for a while but have been afraid to admit to myself or anyone that my marriage failed. Right now, I have two apartments I could possibly move into. One is rent free (as it's located in my mother's basement) and the other one has a reduced rent fee (as the landlord is my mother's best friend).
ReplyDeleteAngelina, I'm just sharing as a divorced single mom: seeing the situation as a failure is natural. I did that for the first couple of years. Actually, I saw myself as a failure but that's another story. Anywho, I hope that your situation is able to improve.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever decide you want to exchange, you can always reach out: tomewriter@gmail.com
Angela
http://publishness.blogspot.com/
I think it's quite interesting,in fact.
ReplyDeletekaren millen
Thanks Angela. I'll be sure to email you sometime. Thanks for all the advise and support.
ReplyDeleteGabrielle, thanks for commenting.
Maria's already said what I was going to say. Move Out. Now!
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having to go through this. (Hugs.)
Angelina, so sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't think your step-daughter stealing from you disturbed me so much as your husband insulting you and threatening you. In my book that's a big NO-NO! Listen, you won't be the first or last divorced woman. You're young and talented with so much to offer. You need a man that respects you in every level. Love yourself first and love will follow you.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, as everyone else has said: you need to get out. The moment I saw, "And threatened me with bodliy harm..." I nearly came over and got you myself. I've had two good friends in abusive relationships (and they always started with verbal abuse). One ended up in the ER with multiple broken bones and nearly died.
ReplyDeleteFeeling like you've failed is natural, but it's not YOU who has failed, it's your husband.
I have a brother in prison. He's been in and out of prison his entire life. When he was three y.o. he tried to kill my oldest brother, when he was five he set fire to the field behind our apt, when he was eight, he stole money from my mom's purse. Do they grow out of it? No.
Please take care of you. Your husband has made it clear who's more important, so you need to take that hint and go.
(((((hugs)))))
Thanks to all of you who commented.
ReplyDeleteShirley, yes I'm leaving him.
Claudia, thanks for reminding me to love myself first. I've forgotten to do that but now that's my goal to be as happy with myself as I was before he came into my life.
Marianne, I'm so sorry about your friend and brother. You are so right about everything. Yes, I'm taking a hint and going.