Sometimes, we all like to pretend to be something we're not. We go through life, lying to others, and mainly ourselves. We convince ourselves that the lie is the truth, because admitting the real truth is too painful. Lately, I've found myself doing this.
When people ask how I'm holding up and dealing with the end of my marriage, I say I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? So this chapter of my life is over, big deal! Boo hoo, no need to whine about it.
Truth is, this is me avoiding the issue and lying to myself. I do care. I am heartbroken. And sometimes, I just need to whine about it. I keep replaying the last three years of my life thinking where did we go wrong? We were so in love and devoted to each other before those wedding rings were put on.
A big part of the problem was his anger. He hid that from me when we were dating. However, about two weeks into the marriage he blew up at me over absolutely nothing. I should have left then rather then think I could change him.
Big problem number 2 is that I thought I could change him. There's a song by No Doubt called "Ex-Girlfriend" where the lyrics go something like this "If you were really meant to be my lover, I wouldn't have to change you." So true. I should have known it wasn't going to work out the instant I started thinking "If only I could change this about him."
So today I'm admitting to myself the truth that I'm not fine, and I'm not okay, and I'm not over it. Tomorrow, I know myself well enough to know that I will be back to the lie that I'm a-okay.
Do you guys lie to yourselves? Do you ever have to face the truth in the long run?
I'm leaving you with the video for the No Doubt song, because I relate to it today. Fits my mood.