Monday, August 15, 2011

Dear Lie

Sometimes, we all like to pretend to be something we're not. We go through life, lying to others, and mainly ourselves. We convince ourselves that the lie is the truth, because admitting the real truth is too painful. Lately, I've found myself doing this.

When people ask how I'm holding up and dealing with the end of my marriage, I say I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? So this chapter of my life is over, big deal! Boo hoo, no need to whine about it.

Truth is, this is me avoiding the issue and lying to myself. I do care. I am heartbroken. And sometimes, I just need to whine about it. I keep replaying the last three years of my life thinking where did we go wrong? We were so in love and devoted to each other before those wedding rings were put on.

A big part of the problem was his anger. He hid that from me when we were dating. However, about two weeks into the marriage he blew up at me over absolutely nothing. I should have left then rather then think I could change him.

Big problem number 2 is that I thought I could change him. There's a song by No Doubt called "Ex-Girlfriend" where the lyrics go something like this "If you were really meant to be my lover, I wouldn't have to change you." So true. I should have known it wasn't going to work out the instant I started thinking "If only I could change this about him."

So today I'm admitting to myself the truth that I'm not fine, and I'm not okay, and I'm not over it. Tomorrow, I know myself well enough to know that I will be back to the lie that I'm a-okay.

Do you guys lie to yourselves? Do you ever have to face the truth in the long run?

I'm leaving you with the video for the No Doubt song, because I relate to it today. Fits my mood.


  1. Lying to yourself is a good coping mechanism, but eventually we all have to step into the light.

    It's normal to hurt. Just remember that all hurts move on and so will you. Embrace other experiences, other people, and let the hurt roll off.

    You have a community of friends who care about you. You're not alone.

  2. Hang in there, Angelina. It will get better. xo

  3. Angelina, I understand more than I could ever explain. I've been in your shoes. I've had a terrible husband in the past whose actions haunt me today.

    But what I lie to myself about, every damn day is not my ex-husband, but my mother. When she died, things went horrible in my life. My step-father blamed me and I lost everything I cared about. Every day I pretend not to miss the best friend I had for 26 years. I pretend that it doesn't hurt me that my step-father whom I addressed as dad for 15 years lied to me the entire time about his love.

    There is a reason I adore masquerade masks.

  4. It is said that the first step to healing is admitting there's a problem. I've had to remind myself of this a time or two - in dealing with the loss of my mother many years ago and in dealing with the end of my marriage a few years ago.

    I would lie to you and tell you that everything will be okay lickety-split, however, that can only be the case if you're emotions are tied to a switch and can be flipped on and off at whim.

    You've done well to make the move to begin a new chapter in your life and acknowledge that you're not happy things have turned out this way. As Maria mentioned, know that you have a community of folks supporting you, even those of us who've been in your shoes and know what you're experiencing isn't the coolest thing in the world.

  5. Aww, hugs. That's why I think living together prior to marriage is a great idea. You go in eyes wide open.

    It may not seem so at times, but you will find your way. Keep a journal. You can use this in your writing.

    Give a yell if you ever want to talk. ~Mary

  6. Hang in there, sweetie. Ending anything is hard, even when you know it's right. There's a song by Sara Evans called "A Little Bit Stronger". You should listen to it:


  7. Maria ~ Thanks. That's actually what I'm doing. Trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to think about it.

    Liz ~ Thanks.

    DF ~ Thanks. I'm so sorry about everything that happened to you.

    Angela ~ Thanks. So true, emotions can't be turned off like a light switch. Unfortunately I have to deal with them.

    M Pax ~ Thanks. Yeah, next time I'll know better. I regret not living with him for a while because if I would have known what I was getting myself into.

    Marianne ~ Thanks. That's actually one of my favorite songs. I'm a big country girl!

  8. I think you need to 'lie' to cope, initially. Then, when you really can cope, you can let down your guard and deal with the emotions. Of course you're not fine - the end of marriage is a big deal. But at least you know you did the right thing; what had to be done to preserve you. You should be proud - just hang on to that in the midst of everything else.

  9. Angelina, I'm sorry to hear your marriage is coming to an end. But think about this, your life is about to begin. I don't have the appropriate words to console you but I do have the perfect book that will give you strength: "The Language of Letting Go" (1990) by Melody Beattie. ISBN: 0-89486-637-0 These are daily meditations. Believe me it has helped me get through tough days. Have you heard the song, "Your Ex-lover is dead" by Stars? There's a line that says, "Live through this and you won't look back." It's such a revelation. Listen to it.
    This too shall pass.