Monday, August 1, 2011


Thank you all who commented on last week's post. I really appreciate all of your support. After reading all of the "leave him now" comments, I started thinking. Should I? What do I have to gain or loose by ending it? Is it fixable?

Very quickly, I realized it's in both of our best interest to end it. It wasn't just the issue of his verbal abuse when his kid is around. Sure, that was the biggest issue, it was the most damaging to all of us involved, but there were more issues. He neglected me. My needs and wishes were his last priority. If he needed love and attention, I would have to drop everything or else he got mad, but if I needed any support he was never there.

One of the things that bothered me most was how childish he had become. Before we were married, he was an adult. We did adult things together. The instant we got married he started treating me like I was his mother instead of his wife. Sex between us became extinct. Our conversations were no longer about plans for the future but instead about how no one understands him. He no longer helped me with anything, always dropping the responsibilities of adult life on me while he went out with his friends and daughter all the time.

When he would mess up, he would bring me flowers. At first, I let him buy my affection with those flowers, but then I learned that the only reason I got them was because he couldn't say "I'm sorry." Pride never let him say those words.

I told him it was over.

The first couple of days he sulked and blamed me for it. It was because I didn't love his kid enough. It was because I wanted to ruin his life. It was because I didn't want to accept it that he had a kid. It wasn't until later in the week that I finally managed to get it through his thick skull. It was never about the kid. It was about him and me. It was about him never letting me be a priority. It was about him never growing up and playing the husband role. And it was about me being tired of being a mother to two kids, neither of them being my own. Especially the kid who is older then me.

I finally explained to him that his priority list went as follows; daughter, mother, siblings, sibling's families, friends, friend's families, ex-wife, neighbors, me.

He finally seemed to understand as to why it's over. Although he does have a convenient memory and tends to forget things he doesn't want to remember.

I asked him, would he stay in a relationship where he was the other person's last priority? He said no. Now, I'm asking you, have you ever been in a relationship where you were the last priority?


  1. Good for you for seeing beyond the superficial. You hit the nail on the head for what makes a long-lasting relationship--you have to be a team. The moment you stop being a team, you stop having a marriage.

    As for your husband, I hope someday he realizes what he threw away. You deserve better.

  2. I am very happy for you. You made the right decision to think first and act rationally next.

    I did not have to deal with the verbal abuse, but I understand where you're coming from when it comes to marital neglect. I reached a point where I realized the only person in the marriage was me. Thus, I am a better and happier person for the divorce that had to take place 4 years ago.

    Sounds like your husband is losing out on a great person. I hope your next love can and will be your best love.

  3. My ex-husband was a very nice guy...But when it came to work or us, work always won. It wasn't even anything extreme I was asking. It was as follows: He had to be at work at 3:30 in the morning. Most day she got off at 6 p.m. Some days he wouldn't get off until 9:30 p.m. He wouldn't refuse the overtime or tell them "These hours are ridiculous". I even got him a job somewhere else that paid higher but he wouldn't leave because he was 'scared'. So I divorced him... Strangely enough, we get along beautifully now. But we realized the reason our marriage fell apart was because we were more the brother-sister relationship than anything sexual.

    I've also been with a guy who treated me exactly like your husband did. Except I was the one with a kid from a previous marriage (a 3 month old baby). He would threaten physical harm to the child if I didn't obey his every whim. Let's just say, as soon as he was out of the country, the child and I ran for it!

    Be strong girl. And remember, stick to your guns and if you need anything, I'm here for you!

  4. A relationship like that will never work. Marriage is all about team work. If the two of you aren't in it together, there's no hope. Good for you for seeing the light! I just hope he realises what he's lost.

    Sending cyber hugs.

  5. Well done, Angelina, for being so strong and taking such a giant step. You're incredibly brave and you SO deserve to be top priority in someone's life.

  6. Thank you all for commenting.

    Maria Z ~ You're right, marriage is team work and that's something it was missing for a very long time.

    Angela ~ Thanks. I'm happy to hear that you're happy in your life. I've had a lot of divorced women tell me that this is now the end, it's a new beginning.

    DF ~ We have almost a mother/son relationship and yeah now that we're over, he's trying to be my friend. Maybe we were never meant to be anything more then friends. --- I'm glad you left your abusive relationship. IT's one thing when the man threatens a woman but when he threatens a child, he's crossing that line. I'm glad you're free of him.

    Shirley ~ Thank you. I think he realizes where he went wrong. The other day he and I had a long conversation as friends and he explained how his first marriage fell apart. He had put all the blame on the ex-wife. Now with us falling apart he learned that it wasn't all her fault the first time around. Who knows, maybe when wife #3 comes around he'll know how to make it work.

    Talli ~ Thanks. The thing is I wasn't even asking to be the top priority. I know many men who have a kid put their wife's in the second spot. That's still okay with me. But I'm also not willing to be on the bottom with everyone else being more imporatent then me to him.

  7. Yes, I, too, came last--after the alcohol, the pot, the neediness and the Internet porn. I was never good enough, never did enough, could never be enough, was never pretty nor intelligent enough...for him. After two decades together, it has been 9 months since I left and I am now more than enough...for me! It gets better Angelina. Trust that. You have to love yourself more and him less. Trust that too. It is the only way. And I discovered that only by leaving: getting distance and gaining some clarity. You can too. Trust that.