Today, I decided it was time for the after divorce (although we aren't divorced yet. His lawyer has been sending me the divorce papers for like two months now. I guess he's sending it by carrier pigeon because I'm sure if it were by regular mail I would have gotten them already) post.
Two of the biggest emotions I've had to deal with ever since I moved out have been guilt and the sense of failure.
I kept asking myself; maybe I should have tried harder? Maybe I should have waited for him to change (doesn't that sound like a naive thought)?
On top of that, there was that nagging sense of failure. My first marriage ended after three years and two months. That thought had depressed me and that nagging feeling wouldn't go away.
A few days ago, a thought came rushing at me, as though lightning hit me. It was an epiphany. It is not my fault! I did not fail!
You see, I did some simple math. He and ex-wife 1 were friends since they were kids. Then, they started being friends with benefits, and a month after the benefits, she announced she's pregnant. Eight months after that (so that would be a total of nine months as a 'couple') they got married. Two years and eleven month's later, she packed her things and left.
I'm ex-wife 2. We started dating, and one year and one month after that we got married. Three years and two months later, I left him.
See a pattern? Both marriages failed at around the three year line.
The time period between wife 1 and wife 2 was five years. In those five years of not being married, he had one fiance (she called it off, although he never gave me a full reason as to why. Then one time during a fight, he mentioned that his kid had something to do with it), and about 10 girlfriends if not more that didn't work out. (That is ten girlfriends that I heard about from him or his friends. He mentioned once that there were others who were too short of relationships that those girls never got to meet his friends.)
So, in conclusion, within an eleven year period, he got married and divorced twice, and had a fiance who left him. That is three woman who meant enough to him to wear a ring. Also, according to him, I'm the longest relationship he's ever had (that would be four years and three months). Bottom line, if a man has that many serious relationships in such a short period of time, and has triple that amount of meaningless flings in between, then there is an issue with him, and not with all the woman who keep leaving him. I am not to blame for this marriage failing, nor is ex-wife 1 (who since the divorce has been with the same man for like ten years), or the ex-fiance.
Thank you for reading my after-the-end ramblings. If there are any of you currently undergoing a divorce, I'm here for you.
Heck no, it's not your fault. And he's no longer your problem.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything to feel guilty about. You tried, it didn't work, you weren't meant for each other. I hope this means you are healing toward moving on. It's OK to grieve though. It's a big change.
ReplyDeleteIt's absolutely normal to feel like it's your fault at first and to feel failure at the end of any relationship - it's a completely female thing to do (blame ourselves - and what the hell???) and it's also part of the grieving and letting go process. The bottom line is that two people have to work at something to keep it going - and work hard. It doesn't sound to me like he worked all that hard and that he really let his stepdaughter be a big part of the whole equation so even the feeling of failure should not be yours. You didn't fail. He failed you. He'll keep repeating his same patterns until he can wake up (probably never) while you get to heal, move on with your life and find someone better.
ReplyDelete